On Letting Go - Tip#1 Stop Hating Yourself! You Will Stumble and Fall. Accept it.

In my previous post I gave examples of the various lessons that hit home for me on the topic of letting go.  It would be irresponsible of me to leave it at that and make it seem so easy.  Reading the words of great teachers summarized into a simple list will not help you in letting go of your demons.  I know this as surely as I know that you are hurting.  Why else would you be reading this - a blog entry of an insignificant person on the internet? ;-) 

I am not a teacher and certainly not a wise man. I am a fool who one day decided the pain was too great to bear and realized that something had to be done. I documented my feelings, thoughts, pains and progress.  The only thing I can offer the reader (with  the patience to continue reading) are the discoveries I made along my path and the things I did that worked for me. 

Letting go is tough. It's next to impossible if you have not found your centre yet. What's even more of a challenge is when the source of your anger/pain/frustration is constantly in your face day in and day out. For example: your mother, your sister, your coworker, your boss, etc.  When you are forced to interact with the very people who are grating on your nerves, letting go becomes a seemingly insurmountable task.  This is the reality of it all and the point I want to make:  it's great to let go and learn about these wonderful, deep stories taught by Buddhist masters, but when it comes down to it, it's easy for them to tell it like it is because they have separated themselves from this world and practice their meditation daily in an environment better suited for discovery than our homes or offices. The real world is convoluted, hectic and in chaos. Finding your keys is, at times, just as difficult as finding your centre.

Why am I going on about this?  Is it to show how easy the monks have it compared to us?  Am I making a statement about how these monks have escaped from the real world?  I say "Nay". What I am trying to show you is letting go in the real world is a damn hard thing to do for anybody. It's daunting, it's maddening and it's draining. Again, so what?  Here's what:  in light of how difficult it is to let go, stop beating yourselves up each and every time you screw up!  Failure is expected! It is perfectly normal that you should fall when trying something so difficult.  You don't have the guidance of wise senior monks 24/7, nor do you have the wealth to see a psychiatrist when you have your next meltdown - and that's ok! Accept that there is nothing wrong with you. Accept that it's all a part of the process of letting go. When you can accept you made a mistake and continue to prepare for your next attempt, you have already progressed to stage two.

Let me be very clear: accept you will fall and fail in your attempts to let go. That is all. Please do not read into it more by spinning it and viewing it as "getting up" after a hit. This is totally different. Accepting you will fail offers you peace and a quiet understanding;  simply getting up after a hit sounds very dramatic and inspirational, but it doesn't mean you have accepted a gentle, kind view of your failures.  One is a change of heart/mind and the other is simply a physical action.

When you accept it's hard and failures along the way are inevitable, you are being kind to yourself.  Ever notice you are often more compassionate and more gentle to a friend in need than you are to yourself?  Or some of you might even be more kind to a stranger in need than you are to yourselves. Why is that?  You deserve every bit of kindness and gentleness as anyone else out there.  Remember: treat the hurting, crying you as you would a close friend.  Would you kick your friend to the curb if he/she came to you because they lost a loved one?  Of course not!  Be your own best friend. Accept you will fail.  Accept it is normal considering how challenging letting go is and you will take an inch of a step closer to letting go.  It worked for me.  Perhaps it won't work for you, but nonetheless, accepting you will fail and being kind to yourself when you do is a step in the right direction - regardless to what may come of it for you. 

On Letting Go - Lessons Learned

One of the most overused new-age/Buddhist terms in the English
speaking world is "letting go".  Below are few of the more poignant lessons that I have come across.  These are written in my own words and not necessarily direct quotes from the sources.

The First and the Second Arrow
The Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow is
it painful?” The student replied, “It is.” The Buddha then asked, “If
the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?”
The student replied again, “It is.” The Buddha then explained, “In
life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second
arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.”

The Weight of the Stick

Ajahn Brahm's mentor and teach once picked up a stick and asked, "How heavy is this stick?" Before he could answer, Ajahn Brahm's teacher threw the stick away and replied, "It's only heavy if you hold on to it."

The Folly of Attachment
Note:  Ajahn Brahm taught this lesson through one of this lectures entitled "The Four Ways of Letting Go".  I encourage you all to listen to this yourselves - it's available on Youtube. 

If a person hurts you once, let it go. If you continue to think about
it, you are allowing that person to hurt you yet again. Does that make
sense?  It's silly. You attach yourself to the pain and get angry.
Every time you get angry you are letting them hurt you twice over.
Throw it away.  Let it go.

Carrying a Woman
A senior buddhist monk and an apprentice were walking back to temple
after a violent rain storm. Along the way, they came across a young
woman who was trying to cross a muddied path with difficulty. The
senior monk went up to the woman and carried her on his back across
the path.  The apprentice was shocked at this bold action since monks
were not to have any contact with women.  After some time walking in
silence, the apprentice monk could keep quiet no longer and said:
"Brother, we are monks who have taken an oath to disavow the things of
this world. And yet you touched a woman...why?"

Continuing to walk forward, without stopping or turning to the
apprentice, the senior monk replied with a smile:  "Yes, I carried
that woman to help her in her time of need. But, I left her back at
the muddied path so long ago.  It seems, Brother, that you are the one
who is still carrying her".

All of these lessons send the same basic message, but each does so in its own way.  The reason I have more than one example is because I like to learn through cross-referencing my sources and I enjoy hearing different perspectives.  One thing I found in my journey to growth is some lessons are better received by certain teachers, certain stories/koans, and certain scenarios.  I hope this helps those who are like me learn this very important lesson in taking that first step towards contentment.