I Can Take the Hits, Insults & Condescension; Just Don't be Nice to Me

Prologue

Growing up is tough.  So much uncertainty is involved as you struggle to gain self-awareness, self-esteem and direction.  This is especially true if you lose your Father at an age when having a strong male figure is comforting to children entering manhood.  Friedrich Nietzsche once said:  That which does not kill you makes you stronger.  In my case, it can be argued this adage proves true.  Life became more of a challenge, and to deal with it, I had to take the hits and roll with the punches - figuratively speaking, of course.  How does a young teenager handle such a load?  He doesn't.  He picks himself up and continues - all the while thinking the pain he feels is just life and something to be endured.  The result of this Orwellian "I will work harder" attitude is a mindset that is too busy to see clearly because it is constantly on "survival mode" and a heart pretending to be encased in granite.  In short, you expect life to hit you hard so you're always braced for that sudden blow; ever ready to absorb the punishment - not quite understanding why others don't seem to fall prey to the same difficulties as hard, or as often, if at all. 

You learn to enjoy the little things in life and try to revel in any small victory that might fall your way because such rare rewards don't last.  You learn to trust only yourself.  You learn to navigate, steer and maintain the ship on your own.  Family and blood ties are no guarantees for support...because, sometimes, those who are closest to you are the ones who can potentially hurt you the most.  Everyone is an enemy unless proven as a friend...but even then, human nature being what it is, keeps you alert for that potential future betrayal and treachery.  Kindness and gentleness are gifts that are given to others but never received.  These are luxuries - no - dreams that have no basis in reality.

This is how a fourteen year old handles his unwanted lot in life.  He follows Darwin's road map for survival any which way he can;  all the while deluding himself that he is tougher than any of the ordeals he has faced and must eventually face... alone. 

Summer, 2003 (The First Time: A Forceful, Overwhelming Hit that Touched)
Me:  Are you hungry?  You want to eat something yummy?  I'll treat you to whatever you want - just make sure it's under $5! ;-)
 
Sun:  *smile* (shakes head)
 
Me:  Did you want to go somewhere fun?  Any place in mind? 
 
Sun:  *giggles* - You're always asking me if I want to eat something yummy, or if I want to go somewhere special...it doesn't matter what I eat, or what I do, when I'm with you, I'm happy. ;-)

Me:  -------- [unexpected devastation, chaos, confusion] --------- [lightness, feeling overwhelmed, unwanted and sudden tears] ---------

Nothing I faced - no adversity, no conflict, no ridicule, no condescension - was able to affect me up til this moment.  All my hardened defenses made tough by years of trials and tribulations, were all destroyed in moments by the sincere, honest and kind words of a petite, tiny girl.

Winter 2009 - 2010 (Christmas, Birthday and Chinese New Year Celebrations:  The 1-2-3 Knock Out)

 
1 - The Jab - Christmas:  My friends were so very considerate to me this Christmas.  The invitations I received to attend and join their family celebrations;  the gifts; the sharing of their dinner tables, the smiles and the laughter.  They have me against the ropes!

2 - The Cross - My Birthday:  This year was somewhat special to me.  In all honesty, I don't know why...perhaps as I get older I am more appreciative of my friends and value them even more than ever...this birthday, they gave me even more love than I thought I could ever receive from people who were not related to me.  The gifts, although appreciated, weren't important when compared to the thought that they made time for me and went through the trouble of planning dinners, wrapping gifts...oh boy, now my knees are shaking and I'm ready to go down for the count!

3 - The Hook - Chinese New Year:  My good friends invited me to celebrate with their family for Chinese New Year.  First, the invite alone had me staggering looking for the ropes.  Then the genuine acceptance and kindness of every one of their family members to someone who is an outsider like me...well, that just did it.  I went home overwhelmed with an inability to deal with so much acceptance, kindness and gentleness that I had to shut down and sleep for 4 hours.

These events, one after another in such a short period pretty much made me a mess.  It's so strange how I can deal with an extreme amount of negativity and hostility - not so much anymore, but still, I can quickly toughen up mentally and do what must be done to survive...but this type of unexpected, genuine warmth and sincere kindness...it just kills me and I don't know how to deal with it. 

If I was a robot, I'd blow up screaming "Does not compute!  Does not compute!".
It makes me laugh when I think about how they might react if they only knew how deeply their random acts of unassuming kindness affects me.

I am so touched that it hurts.  This is not a bad thing.  I have a renewed sense of sincere appreciation for my friends.  If the quality and quantity of ones friends could be a reflection of financial wealth, I am certain I would be one of the richest people in the world.