On Religion - According to George Carlin

My friends know my stance on religion (of any kind).  It's an archaic belief system that has no place in modern society.  I could go on, but why should I when someone as intelligent and articulate as comedian George Carlin summed it all up in his stand up routine.  Check it out.



George Carlin
On Religion

ObjectiveThought.com
 12-23-5

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.

I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

(Copyright 1999 by George Carlin. Printed without permission.)

http://www.objectivethought.com/atheism/carlin.html

Quote of the Day

"Death does not end life; Life ends when you lose hope..."

Parents and Potential Parents! I Implore You to Read This

Growing up, I didn't get everything I wanted.

Don't misunderstand, I didn't lack anything either, but I knew if I wanted something I would have to work for it.  When I turned 16 years old, I wanted a car, but with a single parent income to cover living expenses for a four person family, I knew my wish would remain nothing but just that:  a wish.  It wasn't until 27 years of age that I was able to buy my first car with money earned while working at a lousy call-centre.  My friends laughed at my little Hyundai Accent.  Then they fell on the floor when I told them it didn't have a/c, lacked power windows or power locks, and the transmission was a standard/manual.  Boy, I remember those days when the summer sun was scorching hot and I'd drive with the windows rolled down, forcing myself to believe the blowing wind was actually cooling me off.  Then it would rain and I'd have no choice but to roll up my windows and drive in a cabin that was more like a sauna than a car.  I would turn on the fan to its highest setting and let it blow on 'cool'.  I'd convince myself this was not a bad alternative, but inside, I knew it was just denial.  A necessary denial that made it easier to swallow the tough reality of my very limited financial options.  Regardless to its shortcomings, I loved that car and took great pride in it.  It was just as beautiful in my eyes as any BMW, or Mercedes.  When you have to work hard for something - like your first car - it's a satisfying thing.  Sure I had friends who's parents bought them a much bigger and better car, but mine still looked just as beautiful since I worked and paid for it with what little I brought to the table.  My car had one important thing my friends' cars didn't:  Pride.  Looking back it's always been like this for me.  I recall in grade school, I never had many 'Polo' (by Ralph Lauren) shirts growing up.  The few I bought, I did so with money earned from working over-time in retail while paid at minimum wage.  Nothing tastes better than the fruits of your labour.  I learned this important lesson at a young age.

The next generation of children, however, seem to have been absent when this life lesson was taught.  Children and teens these days seem to believe things should be done for them and have a sense of entitlement that even Louis XIV of France didn't have.  I am surprised these children - the future of our society - can even wipe their own arses let alone find their own way home.  It seems kids these days have been spoiled beyond belief by parents who "care too much".  I blame the parents.  If you truly love your child, you would make them work for everything.  They want a Wii or PS3?  Three months of household chores before they even see a video game.  You don't like the brand of tooth paste your Mother bought you?  Work your ass off and go buy your own.  You need a drive to the local drug mart?  Try walking there, it's good exercise.  You want to watch your treehouse channel while the adults are watching a movie, show or the news?  Too bad, you're freaking 4 years old, learn to bend to the will of adults and respect their priorities first.  It's that simple.  And yet, I have personally seen the opposite of everything here.  The adults will have to bite their tongue so that one spoiled child can have his tree house channel put on while he plays with his toys.  Kids are driven everywhere and picked up from anywhere - taking public transit simply isn't an option for royalty!  One kid I know has every single video gaming systems out there - yes, every single one!  A coworker is such a devoted and wonderful Mom that she does her daughter's resume and she goes around dropping them off at stores for her daughter.

What are you teaching your kids by doing this?  You're teaching them life isn't a challenge.  You're teaching them learned helplessness.  You're setting them up for disappointment and possible mental and emotional issues because when they enter the real world, life won't bend according to their whim.  And who pays for all this irrational parenting?  Who?  Society as a whole and more significantly the parents themselves.  When these children hit the age of majority and are supposed to be contributing members of society (and family), do you really think they will suddenly change and start contributing?  These kids will be 18, 25, then 30 and guess what?  You'll still be wiping their dirty little arses b/c they will be living at home, expecting meals cooked, laundry done, and drives to their social events.  See it and see it now.  Because by the time they are 30, it'll be too late.  Tough love isn't about hitting or spanking your kids.  Nor is it about yelling and screaming at them either.  It's about putting your foot down, setting expectations and boundaries articulated in a clear and firm manner.  Then, standing by your convictions and holding children accountable for their actions so they learn responsibility.   

It had to be said.  If you're a parent, do yourself a favour and do as I say.

No Deep End

"If that person was a pool, there would be no deep end"
~Monsieur Moi

The Mainlander Finally Speaks!

The mainlander and few coworkers were talking about ironing shirts.  I professed my distaste for it while another said he loved it.  An uninvited "trucker" of a person then chimed in, in quite an annoying Mr.know-it-all voice, that he buys no-iron dress shirts to avoid such drudgery.

While all of us figuratively rolled our eyes at this person's uninvited outburst, the mainlander held fast.  Without beating an eye, holding a look of disgust, the mainlander turned to this gent of arrested development and said:  "[These type of shirts] Looks like the skin on your ball."

It took us two seconds of silent contemplation to realize the reference.  Needless to say, we were all on the floor laughing.  It's been a good long while since the mainlander pontificated and shared his opinions.  I, for one, am glad he hasn't changed!

The Annoying Confucius

Aaron Kim
Barry Kim
Chong-Tae Kim
Lie-peu Kim
Linus Kim
Martin Kim
Sam Kim
Richard Kim
Walter Kim

One of these Kims annoyed me quite significantly this past weekend with his clueless decision to double-book our lunch so that he could go to Guelph with another vertically challenged friend.  True to his gentlemanly self, he called immediately to apologize for his brazen, selfish, inconsiderate, abominable, and heinous act.  I took pity and called off the North Korean Secret Assassination squad.  His life is safe...for now.

And no, this is not intended for him to read.  No, not at all.  And no, his first name doesn't rhyme with one of the past UofT President's last name.  Below is a picture of Richard Kim (as shown when one does a google image search of a Richard Kim).

Interesting Political-Ethnic Joke

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?

I've heard different versions of this joke. Here's the other version:

A Japanese, North Korean and South Korean are at a restaurant.
The waiter approaches and says:  "Excuse me, there's no more meat."
The Japanese looks at the waiter and asks, "What's 'no more'?"
The North Korean asks, "What's meat?"
The South Korean asks, "What's excuse me?"

Of course, this was told to me by a certain Japanese ex-gf who enjoyed such repartee so it's very possible she read the original and tweaked the joke as a shot against the better looking, more industrious, less militant, friendlier, passionate, athletic, talented, South Koreans - right Sayuri-san? ;-)